Tuesday, January 27, 2009

True Story Tuesdays

I have been wanting (real word ?) to do this for a while and have been encouraged by my friends (you know who you are) to do so. Because nothing is happening in my life right now I need to draw from past experiences. Fortunately, or not, depending how you view it, I have many, many ridiculous stories to draw from. This is why I started a Blog in the first place. Stupid things happen to me. ALL THE TIME. It's like I'm a supporting character in a popular Sit-Com. Only I'm real. I'm a suburban stay-at-home soccer mom whose kids have no interest in soccer. So here I sit, in my house, waiting for something to happen. IT NEVER DOES. Until I don't want it to. This is my recount of an event that took place last September (or so).

My friend Lisa and I were on our way home from Bunco on a Thursday night. It had rained, pretty hard, for couple of days, before that (BTW). That night it was clear. And not raining. And chilly but not cold or wet. We proceeded to Bunco in the normal fashion. On our way home we were talking normal Bunco talk, "can you believe how big her kids got", "why didn't she come tonight?", "Where are they going on vacation now?". And then it happened. We were so wrapped up in our conversation we didn't realize we were floating. FLOATING. The car was floating, on water, i might add. What looked like an innocuous puddle, had in fact become a LAKE. The water started to rise, rapidly, I might add. Lisa said "should we call a tow truck?". Then she said "should we call Mark? (her husband)" I said , as I whipped out my cell phone, "I don't know who you're calling, but I'm calling 911!!". And call I did. The 911 operator proceeded to ask me my location (Middle of F*N Nowhere) and my situation (F*D). She then said the the most frightening words, "Can you climb onto the roof of the car?". I said "Oh please don't send a Helicopter, or a camera crew, my hair is so frizzy tonite!". She said to exit the car as soon as possible since the water level was rising. I guess in hindsight it really wasn't all that life threatening, but I kind of got hysterical anyway. I looked at Lisa (my best LDS friend) and said "I can't believe I am in this situation and I can't swear!!" She kindly said, go ahead, so I, for the sake of her ears, only swore in Italian for the rest of the night." (it doesn't sound as crass, and it makes people laugh) We sat there for a good 10 minutes not knowing if we would be rescued before a giant RED FIRETRUCK from the Mesa Fire Dept came. This fire guy who had to be about 6'6" walked up to the car with hip waders and a really bad attitude. He said "I need you to get out of the car and walk to the end of the road, (which was about 1/2 a mile away in waist deep - for me anyway - water) and I said "Yea, right, please pull the fire truck up to the side of the car and I'll get in." He said, "No , really you have to get out and walk." Well needless to say it is POURING now, and I am totally hysterical and my window is closed (because there is no power in the car and the windows are motorized) and Lisa's window (driver's side) is only halfway down. Lisa calmly and coolly exits the car thru the half-open drivers' side window. How I don't know ,because I am CRYING, like a 3 year old. (What an idiot!) He (the 6'6"fireman) then says to me please climb out of the window. Cut to 5:45 that evening when I cut the tag off of my Brand New Ralph Lauren White Sweater that I was wearing at that very moment. Back to floating car. He proceeds to PULL me out of the half-open window, at which point Lisa says to me, "do you need to pull your pants up?" and I respond, "Desperately!!", I could actually feel my jeans slide off my butt as he dragged me into the cold, dirty, rushing water. The minute my legs went in all I could thing was "Scorpions, Spiders, and Snakes, Oh My!". And I started to involuntarily scream. Like a girl. In a lake. Full of scorpions, spiders, and snakes. The fireman said to me "Why are you screaming? It's not even that deep." I said "Listen, Mr. 6'6" this may only come up to your knee but I can feel it touching my butt!" I will never forget this moment. Lisa said to me "Do you want me to hold your phone in my purse so it doesn't get wet?" Duh? Yea! Of Course. Not realizing that five minutes later we would be separated and she would end up on the safety of a fire truck (that I begged to be on and was turned down) and I would end up ALONE on the side of a deserted road, flooded with water, with strange animal sounds in the background, and (I am not prejudiced) a Mexican immigrant with a broken down car that we didn't see until I walked (swam,waded) to the end of the road. He came up to me and said "telephone?", and I said something like "no, my friend has it. and she's coming to get me!". He just laughed at me. I guess I deserved it though. 5 seconds later a Town Of Mesa truck pulled up behind me and asked "Are you OK?" I said "physically yes, mentally I'm a little shaken". He said "are you alone?" What a LOSER. YES, I am alone. "I said something lame, like, my friend is over there, on the fire truck." he said "without you?" I said " YUP". He said "Why don't you call her?", I said "because she has my phone". He said "wow, too bad, do you want to use mine?" GENIUS!! Why didn't I think of that? So I did. Voicemail. Again. Voicemail. Oh Well, so much for that idea. He (being the rocket scientist that he is) suggested I call someone else. Who else would I call. Marty. Do I even have to tell everyone what a terrible idea this turned out to be. He had just gone to sleep, (ie, too tired and probably drunk to drive) and was really annoyed that I woke him up. Plan B. Wait. In the Middle Of Nowhere. With no Ride. The Town of Mesa guy was like, "Can I have my phone back?". so I hung up with Marty and gave it to him. We waited there in silence for another 5-7 minutes and his phone rang. He said "yes...uh,huh...hold on..." then he stuck his phone out the window of his truck and pointed it toward me and said "It's for you". I took his phone, in astonishment and said "hello?". Marty. Of Course. He pressed the call back button on our home phone, DOY! I then proceeded to have a fight with him about picking me up. The guy was all - "you are SO not having a fight with your husband on my cell phone minutes" and I told Marty - gotta go, and I hung up. The men on the truck told me "their job was done here", and they were leaving. I said, no screamed, "Dude! you are not leaving me here in the middle of freakin' nowhere with a guy who doesn't speak English, no cell phone,cold,totally soaking wet and wild animals crying in the night (I wish we had sound effects, it would bring it home!). About 3 minutes later a giant Paramedics truck pulled up to me on that pitch black street and a nice EMS worker got out and said "Are you OK?", and I said "Do you have a Xanax on that truck?" and he said "No, but I have your friend." I said "SHUT UP!!" and I went over to the truck and there was Lisa. She looked at me and said "I have to pee so bad, so don't say anything funny." I said "How was your ride?". We laughed like morons for about 6 minutes straight. IfI were them I would have given us both a sobriety test. The paramedics proceeded to tell us that it was a very slow night and they offered to drive us home. Since both of our husbands were sound asleep we took them up on their offer.God Bless those guys!! I do have to admit though, I was swearing the whole way home. In two languages, Italian and English. I think Lisa forgave me. The next morning I called her at about 10am and I said "I had the strangest dream last night, I dreamt we were in a car..."

(P.S. this happened when gas was over $4.00 a gallon and she just filled up the car.
My synopsis of this evening was.
Full Tank of gas - $100.00
Towing the submerged car from Mountain Rd to the gas station - $300.00
Watching Liz push her fat ass out of a half-opened window into waist deep water - Priceless)

Monday, January 19, 2009

Procrast... (Oh, I'll Finish It Later)

I keep reading new Blog entries from all of my favorite bloggers and I am wondering where do they come up with the motivation to do it? My last post, according to MMB was FIVE weeks ago. It was a doozy, but it was still five weeks ago.Since that time, we have had Christmas (which feels like it was 6 years ago), New Year's (pretty lame, I might add), and my birthday (OK-ish). And now, we're done. That's it.
Every year for as long as I can remember on or around the 3rd of January (the day after my birthday) I fall into my annual "Absolutely Nothing To Look Forward To Funk". Sometimes it lasts 'til Easter, most years I goes well past Memorial Day, especially if I've gained another 10 pounds. It is without fail. I can't get past it. It literally paralyzes me, and I end up doing nothing - AT ALL. I go into TV hibernation until some sort of family or work obligation forces me to get up and flat iron my hair and actually put on a pair shoes. When I lived in New York , I used to blame this on SADD, you know the type of depression that happens because it's cold and dark and grey all the time. Well living in Arizona shoots the sh** out of that theory! It's been nothing but gorgeous and sunny and like 65-75 degrees every day (sorry, rest of the country). So, I was wrong. It's ME. Stupid, gloomy, unmotivated, me. Every year without exception my New Year's resolution has been to "Finally Lose The Weight". I guess if figure if I stay in my funk indefinitely then I have some sort of excuse for not doing it. I do kind of feel like, why even try though. Why diet, I'll just gain it all back? Why exercise, I'll just stop when I get bored? Why stop drinking wine, I heard it's good for you anyway? Why take down my Christmas Tree, I'll only have to put it up again in December...wait...what?
It just seems like an insurmountable task. Fifty pounds. That's more than my daughter weighs (she's teeny though), soaking wet. And the worst part about it is, I was THERE, I DID IT, I lost the stupid weight. I had done it and I let it slip away. Granted it slipped away 5-10 lbs at a time over the last 3 years, but away it slipped, none the less. And now i stand in my packed closet with clothes in virtually every size, in my Old Navy XXL sweatsuit (my fat uniform), listening to the 6's 8's and 10's mock me. "You can't wear me anymore," they say "try the shoes, they're pretty loyal".

Oprah did a show the first week of the year to announce that she is officially "FAT" again. She said she was mad at herself and embarrassed and "How did I get here again?" and "I can't believe I'm still talking about my weight!". Holla Girlfriend!!! I am forty freakin' one years old and I have lost and gained the same 50 lbs more times than I care to admit on a Blog. I never have any idea what size I will be next year, or next week for that matter. It's shameful, not to mention expensive (multiple wardrobes, diet stuff) and exhausting. But it wouldn't be January without another diet. So here I go again, diet # 4793 is in the planning stages. I guess it couldn't kill me to take a jog around the neighborhood. Oh, I'll do it tomorrow, I promise. Besides, I really have to take down my Christmas Tree already. Did you know that tomorrow is already the 20th of January? Boy, time flies when you're PROCRASTINATING!