Thursday, July 31, 2008

A Bunny's Tale (pun intended)

As mentioned in part one, I have a strange tale (tail) to tell. Last Friday (has it already been a week!) Marty (my husband) woke me up at 6:10 AM to tell me many a tale of woe. First of all I was sleeping, 2, it was officially the last day of our summer (which SUCKED I might add) and I had a terrible hangover headache (sorry moms). He said "I have to tell you something gross". I said "UH-OH" what is it he said "When I went out to get the newspaper this morning I found something scary by our front door", "Scorpion?", I said, "No, an animal, actually half an animal." Having been in REM stage sleep 5 seconds before this conversation, I said "HUH", he said "You know how we have been seeing rabbits in the park, well this morning by our front door someone left half a rabbit by the bench. Oh and by the way Tivo died..." Can you believe he buried the lead!!!! You see in the news the previous week was a story about a Chihuahua in someones backyard that was "cut" IN HALF and they suspect it was a hate crime. So of course my husband being Jewish from Brooklyn and all, decided this was a hate crime especially since the other half of the rabbit (the one with the feet...the lucky half...) was left on the doorstep of our next door neighbor, who is African American. He decided to call the police just in case someone witnessed him disposing of our rabbit half because he didn't want anyone to think he had anything to do with the "other half" of that rabbit and where it ended up. I could just see Al Sharpton staging protests outside my house! Anyway when the police got here they were all "Have you ever heard of Coyotes?", "this looks like an animal did this". Which was comforting to my paranoid husband, but not to me. I am Italian by descent and anytime you find the head of an animal, even if it's not a horse in your bed, it rattles you. And the actual thought of the food chain going on outside my front door is way too rural for me. I mean in New York the closest we got to wild animals were raccoons raiding our garbage cans or a skunk stinking up the neighborhood. Wait, there's more, after the police were done investigating our story, they spotted a little girl about 3 years old in PJs in the park across the street from our house wandering alone. Several minutes later we saw the officers at a house further down our block returning the child and speaking to the groggy, embarrassed parents, so all was well. Marty then decided to leave for work, at which point I asked "what am I supposed to do without Tivo on the last day of summer?" He said "what do you want me to do, call in sick?", I said calmly, "why not?", He replied "Because Tivo died?", I with a perfectly straight answer said, "Don't you have some bereavement days coming to you, I think now is the time to use them". Needless to say he went to work leaving me with bunny blood on my stoop no Tivo and two bored children until 9:30pm that evening...He's a real prince huh?

PS Marty has photos but they are rated R, TV-MA so I did not post them. I actually didn't even look at them and deleted them from my camera...

Friday, July 25, 2008

My First Blog

I am dressed from head to toe in Black today in mourning of a dear family member that we lost last night, I plan to sit Shiva for the next week and may have to attend some sort of support group. I have been told by my friends that I should write down the things that happen to mebecause no one would ever believe them, so today on this monumentous occasion I have finally decided to do just that. Besides, I need something new to do with my life now. You see, overnight while me and my family slept the grey screen of death crept onto my television and never left. Below is a picture of it. It seems rather innocuous, but trust me it is not. I was jarred awake at 6:10am by my husband Marty (of 17 years, a few of them happy,but not lately) with this startling news and a gruesome bunny tale (pun definitely intended) which I will explain in part two. But back to my story, my beloved Tivo has bitten the dust... Just buy a new one, you may say but alas we cannot. We have Direct TV strictly for the New York stations (NBC east,MSG and least we forget YES) us being native New Yorkers and we like to pretend we just live in a really long commute suburb. Oh, by the way we live in Gilbert, Arizona as far from New York as you can get without actually living in LA (yuck). Direct TV and Tivo have broken up and will no longer speak to each other, so I knew this day was looming large. Leaving Direct TV is not really an option as long as the Yankees are still a MLB team so switching to cable is out, and Tivo no longer manufactures a Direct TV compatible model so I am SOL. Tomorrow the "guy" comes to bring us a generic DVR and my TV watching will never be the same. It's like driving an automatic car all your life and someone telling you you HAVE to drive stick now...and like it!! I'm sorry I'm being such a drama queen about it but if you've had Tivo you know what I mean. Also let me explain something else, TV is my life. I am an addict. My TV watching is not on an amateur level, it is a carefully orchestrated schedule that often involves two channels at once in addition to another television during prime watching hours (Thursday nights) and sweeps weeks. Reality is my forte and I'm a sucker for anything music, fashion or comedy. Don't get me wrong, I do read the newspaper everyday and watch at least one news show (and no, TMZ is not a news show) so my brain isn't exactly jell-o. I do not hold high hopes for this new venture and will probably be quite unbearable for weeks. As if you couldn't already tell I am a totally "glass is half empty" type of person. The opposite of optimist. Well not exactly opposite, but definitely a realist. I will let you know how much I hate it tomorrow...