Friday, December 12, 2008

'Twas The Fight Before Christmas 2008

liz and joey (1971)

...a letter to my brother

Twas’ the fight before Christmas, when all through the year
We never see them, they don’t know we’re here
But all of a sudden like the tick of a clock
I can feel my family boat start to rock
Right ‘round Thanksgiving it starts with a bang
The planning of Christmas, one Big Happy Gang
But it never seems to go as we planned
Your house or my house where will we land?
We go round and round and we call every name
And always it seems, the outcome’s the same
We never agree on a proper location
Each year I say, “Let’s go on vacation!”
But just like the years that have prefaced before
We’ve come to the end of our cash flow once more
So much for Disney and visions of mice
I must now stay home and develop a vice
So break out the vino, pass the Xanax around
Nicita fights are legendary and world renowned
The stuff that we say at Christmastime
Would make you think we’re nothing but slime
We say things we want to all year but we cant
And just -look out- if we’re off on a rant
There’s yelling and crying and a lot of hanging up
Swearing and screaming and tons of dredging up
We let it all out like a therapy group
Firing comebacks like an improv troupe
We just can’t seem to be on the same page
So here we sit with our guilt and our rage
This time of year should be filled up with cheer
Not start and end each day with a tear
As Rodney King says “Can’t we all get along?”
But we always think that the other is wrong
My house or yours - really - who gives a shit?
Is it worth losing all of your family over it?
We have to realize what’s important this year
That Dad is alive, and with us, right here
I want to have memories that are happy forever
And I know that I won’t if we’re not all together
Working this out now may be a tall order
And I’m going through wine like it’s bottled water
I’m sure we could probably go some more rounds
As stress eating adds another 10 pounds
So consider this my final appeal
I’m willing right now to make you a deal
We have a cease fire ‘til 2009
Cause after the holidays we seem to be fine
But I’m sure you’ll exclaim, as your tongue you bite
This really was our BEST CHRISTMAS FIGHT!!

Friday, November 28, 2008

(Not So) Black Friday

Here it is, 4pm on what used to be my favorite day of the year, and I have not left my house. Black Friday was once more exciting than Christmas to me, because it meant I got to SHOP. Shop, a lot, and shop on sale. My three favorite things all in one day. I love to shop. I have always loved to shop. I could shop for 48 hours straight (with bathroom and coffee breaks, of course) if someone (Marty)would let me. I think of it as "the thrill of the hunt" and I try to get the absolute cheapest price I could possibly pay, no matter how much I spend in gas getting there (I know, duh.). At one point in my life, I loved shopping more than TV, and for me that speaks volumes. I used to be one of those people who poured over every ad, I made lists of where to get the best deals, and map out my strategy ahead of time. I used to get up in the middle of the night or not sleep at all, and be all hopped up on pumpkin pie and Starbucks and stand on line with the other suckers (get a life, you may say). Oh, how I miss those days...
Not this year though. I will not attend Black Friday. You see, I (like so many of my fellow Americans), am no where near the Black. In fact, I am so far into the Red I fear I may just spend the rest of my life there. I used to be OK with it, until "The Bailout" was announced. I would like to be bailed out. Where do I sign up for this? Do you think if I let my mountainous debt get into 10 figure territory the American Taxpayers will just pay it off for me? Because if that's the case I'm heading to Old Navy, I could use a new cashmere sweater and they're really cheap today. Not that it matters if your trying to achieve a 1 billion dollar deficit. But old habits die hard. It is totally killing me how cheap everything is today, because no matter how cheap it is, I still don't have any money to buy it, and NO MONEY equals NO SHOPPING!! So here I sit, with a perfect storm of depressing circumstances. Broke...constant televised reports of "the Joneses" (with whom I can no longer keep up with) getting great deals on great stuff interspersed with 70% off commercials from my most frequented retail/wholesale establishments...and a fridgeload of extremely high calorie leftover food just calling my name... Wish me luck, because only something bad can come out of this. I am predicting either a 5 lb weight gain or a breakdown/mini-spending-spree by Cyber Monday, probably both. Stay tuned for further announcements...

Monday, November 24, 2008

How To Feel OLD (But Not Quite As Old As Your Husband)

Man, do I feel old. Last night I did something that I do once a year but I did it in a way I never have before. I watched the 35th annual American Music Awards - with my daughters. I have been watching this outrageous (shout out to Lionel Ritchie for the old schoolers) show for forever and it has never made me feel this way. It was like a veritable battle of the generational bands. Every artists I liked, they immediately hated. Every performer they worshiped, I rolled my eyes at. This was the moment I realized I had in fact become my mom. I vowed when I had children that my musical taste would never fall into the "adult contemporary" divider but as far as they (my girls) were concerned, there it was. I used to wonder why my mom would listen to the oldies station in the car and exclaim "they don't make songs like this anymore." Now I know. Here I am listening to the 80's station in the car doing the exact same thing! I just don't understand why MY kids don't like MY music. Abbie is currently in a Jonas phase . In fact, I have had a "Lovebug" earworm for about 2 months now. I walk around humming it, and when I realize what I'm doing I feel like a moron. Rachel is all about Miley, Miley, Miley. She asks me life changing questions like, "who do you think is better (at what I don't know), Miley or Selena Gomez?", and I always reply, "Miley", of course. Then she smiles completely satisfied and says "I knew it!". Anyway, there we were critiquing the performances when Abbie said something really amusing. She was watching this woman sing and she said "Look at her, who does she think she is? She totally thinks she's all that!"
This is who she was talking about

Um, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't this Mariah Carey?
She IS ALL THAT. Abbie said "No she's not, what songs does she even sing?" I said, "Uh, all of them..." She has been number one on the charts more than any other person who has ever recorded music and my children don't know who she is because her name is not on every marketable piece of crap you can stick a name on. I have seriously failed as a parent. I have got to have more programming control of their Ipods. They need more protein and less junk food as far as music goes. They were also picking on Annie Lennox (one of my faves), and Alicia Keys (due to her headgear). Abbie squealed (actual squealing) with delight everytime the camera locked on Joe (Jonas, who else), and Rachel was quite taken with both of Miley's outfits. Which by the way, were both ripped from the pages of this months InStyle magazine as if it were her own personal catalog. What a way to spend your 16th birthday. Mine was spent on line at the DMV eventually failing my permit test and crying the rest of the day. But I digress. One more thing - Kanye West - at least agree on something. We love him on the radio and on the Ipod, we hate him in person. I know he's got issues, it's just a shame he can't just let his talent speak for itself and keep his big mouth shut. We'd all like him more. Oh, and one last thing, I swear, Jimmy Kimmel, he's funny and all but don't make me feel like I have to have my hand on my clicker all night because I don't know what crude thing you will say next about my daughters' favorite Disney stars. That's it, I'm done venting, but I would like to say that when my husband said who are They (Rhianna and Chris Brown) I laughed, because really, dude, how old are you?

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Completely Addicted To Facebook

Hi, my name is Liz, and I'm a Faceaholic. Apparently Facebook is the crystal meth of the internet. You become completely addicted from the first time you log on. You continue to log on several times a day every day there afterwards, until you realize you have a problem (ie, you've run out of clean dishes, clothes and milk). I should know, I'm totally hooked. I have logged more hours Facehopping (going from one profile to another) lately than watching TV (perish the thought). This is why I have been neglecting my blog. Well, that and the fact that absolutely NOTHING has happened worth writing about in the past week. At least not to me personally, let's not panic, I'm aware of the new President Elect (yea!) and the historic event we are all witnessing. I am just saying that my life has been pretty much SSDD, and since the election is over TV bites. SOOOO, I tried Facebook, and not to be trite but, my life has not been the same since. I have connected with friends and cousins and neighbors that I haven't heard from or seen in years, and it's awesome!! You should try it, that is if you are like me and can devote the time it will suck out of your life. You see, I am really into avoiding reality (not reality tv shows, though) lately (dad's chemo, money stuff, kids fighting, etc.) so this foray into my past life is just what I needed.You can casually drop in when you feel like it see what people are saying and log off. It's kind of like a new form of Alice Kravitz (Bewitched). You get to see who your friends friends are and what groups they belong to and who's Facebooking your 12 year old daughter. I's a whole new Big Brother. Speaking of brothers, I told my brother to join Facebook and within two hours of joining his number of friends surpassed mine. So if you read this and you have Facebook add me as your friend...I have self-esteem issues...
If you don't have Facebook, what are you waiting for? I'm sure your kids have it, and then you can be their friend (spy) too. I am usually pretty up on things so I can't believe it took me this long to discover such a fun waste of time. Gotta go check my wall!

Monday, November 3, 2008


That's all. If you watch "The Hills" you know what I mean. If you don't, why aren't you watching "The Hills"? I know it's sad that a woman of my age would be totally sucked into this shizz, but I am. Don't ask me why either. Also, Audrina needs a mentor. (I'm Available!) (Please don't move in with Justin Bobby, without some kind of commitment, to a house that you PAID FOR !) . Oh and another thing, PLEASE VOTE! I don't care who you vote for, or for what proposition you vote yes on, just do it. We all have to count for something don't we? Either way it will be totally historic. I'm just glad to be a part of it. (CHANGE...that is)

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Dia De Los Muertos

Ahhh! The day after Halloween! I love it. I know I am going to get a lot of flack for this but I HATE Halloween. I hate picking the costumes (too much decision making), I hate picking the candy (what's on sale, what won't I eat all by myself before trick or treaters arrive), I hate the whole pumpkin thing (buying, lugging,carving) but most of all I hate the division of candy afterward ("she got more than me"," she stole my snickers" -" no i didn't" -"yes you did"). I also hate the fact that the minute they clear those Halloween shelves there are exactly 53 shopping days left until Christmas and they (the evil retail elves) don't waste one second of prime selling time. Please don't remind me Christmas is coming when my pumpkins are still out. Which reminds me. How lame am I? How totally lame of a STAY AT HOME MOM am I , that we forgot to carve our pumpkins this year. Did you hear me? I said WE FORGOT TO CARVE OUR PUMPKINS THIS YEAR!! They just sat sad. Now we don't even have roasted pumpkin seeds. I guess I could always buy them at Trader Joe's. And I guess we could always do them next week (as suggested by the girls), but I don't think so. Once I rip off that October calendar page it's time to add my "Christmas Playlist" to shuffle on the IPOD. I am officially in holiday mode. Any second now I will have my annual "where to have the holidays" fight with my brother and the season will be underway. I'm kind of looking forward to it. I would love to have SOMETHING, ANYTHING to actually look forward to other than a season finale (TV). So here we go. Here come the holidays, good or bad, like 'em or not, here they come. Just for reflection though, I thought I might share the few Halloween photos we did manage to get on that day.

(ps. Abbie changed costumes 3 times before the date, and had such a meltdown about her hair after school on Friday she made me trim her bangs in my bathroom with cuticle scissors before I sprayed it red. Rachel's props cost more than her dress. I BEGGED her to put Miss Alaska on her sash, wear glasses and carry an American Flag and go as Sarah Palin but to my dismay she said NO WAY! - she likes Obama. Oh and I think the Auto Focus feature on my camera may have ceased working because all of my pictures are really blurry, but maybe it's just the Xanax - JK)
The Devil and the Beauty Queen (how Apropo)
Beware the TWEEN FROM HELL!!
Miss Alaska, I mean Arizona (2020)

Monday, October 27, 2008

Rhetorical Question

Is it wrong to drink wine while watching "Celebrity Rehab with Dr.Drew Pinsky?"

please comment...

(PS please vote for who is the craziest. i'm torn between Kenickie and Buddy Holly, although how many drugs do you have to do to get kicked out of Guns and Roses? again, rhetorical...)

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Happy 12th Birthday Abigail Catherine

Oh my Abbie. How did you get so much attitude into 12 short years? How can you know how to change every setting on my cell phone yet not know how to cut your own steak? How did you get to be almost as tall as me (no mean feat) and such a beautiful girl? Ten minutes ago you were 3, Now you're stealing my hair products. How can you be so sweet and so sassy at the same time? How can you possibly think that I have bad taste in clothes? How can I be walking around all day humming a Jonas Brothers song and not realize it? How on earth do you text so fast? How can you love a kitty that much? And last but not least, HOW CAN YOU BE TWELVE? ALREADY? I just gave birth to you, right? (18 hours of petocin, no epidural and a seven stitch episiotomy, for a FIVE POUND BABY-THAT I GAINED 50 POUNDS FOR!) Have a happy happy birthday honey, I hope your party on Friday is fun!!

i love you with all my heart, always...even if i don't show it sometimes.

Monday, October 20, 2008

If My life Were A SitCom

If my life were a sit com it would've jumped the shark a long time ago. Predictable plot lines, annoying recurrent characters, and generally, stuff that just doesn't happen in real life. All of these things usually occur in the last season or two of what was once a great show. We used to be a great show now we're just OK. As with any sit com worth it's salt every episode has an A story and a B story running concurrently. Today was one of those days, so here it goes.

Story A. Liz and Marty's 17th (yes that's right kids 17th) Wedding Anniversary. Some of you may wonder given our current state of war, why would I want to commemorate such an occasion? Well if I do say so myself, our wedding was GREAT, the marriage not so much...(JK) It was the kind of wedding you dream of, the kind where everyone and their brother comes and they all have a great time and talk about afterwards- for years. For a while there we were the wedding to beat, the bar, the standard by which the next few would be measured until someone topped it. And someone always did, in the Tri State Area anyway. It should have been great we paid enough for it. Sorry I mean MY PARENTS paid enough for it (happy Mom?). We paid for the band($5000), which is what made it so much fun, the photographer($3000), and the Rolls Royce ($750), which a total of 10 people saw us in including my wedding party and the photographer because I was 45 minutes late (surprised?) to the ceremony. I loved my wedding day, it was the most fun I've ever had in painfully restrictive underwear and a tiara. I'm sure my second wedding won't even come close.(JK) Besides almost everyone who attended is either dead or divorced. On that day when we were young and (foolish, and) in love we promised for better or worse, for richer or poorer, to love and to cherish till death due us part. Seventeen long years later I'm still waiting on better, richer, and cherish...oh, and death. (JK)

the theme is go big or go home Danny Tanner eat your heart out

So this being an awfully high number of years to be married I figured I'd better check the Hallmark gift guide for anniversary gifts by year. This is what it said

Anniversary Gift Guide
Crystal & Glass
Linen (silk)
Electrical Appliances
Wool (copper)
Desk Sets
Linens & Lace
Pottery (china)
Tin (aluminum)
Diamond Jewelry
Fashion Jewelry, Accessories
Pearls, Colored Gems
Textiles & Furs
Gold Jewelry
Sterling Silver Jubilee

As you can see there is a gap between 15 and 20. The years when so many marriages often bite the dust. My husband being the innovator that he is has come up with the only logical conclusion for year 17.

Flowers from Albertsons (rubber band included)

Ya gotta love him, Cheap yet still gets credit for being "thoughtful"...not fair.

by the way I know I've already lost half of you...sorry for the long post, but isn't it sooo worth it?

Story B. My friend Lisa is Mormon, in fact 98% of my friends in Arizona are Mormons, I however am not. I was brought up Italian (old school) Catholic in suburban New York and I married a "nice Jewish boy" from Brooklyn and we settled in, of course, Gilbert, Arizona with steeples as far as the eye can see. People sometimes ask us if we're in the Witness Protection Program because we stick out like a sore thumb. See what I mean sit com, right? Anyway, Lisa had to give a talk in church yesterday about "finding joy in the journey" and she kind of used me and Marty as examples. Over the years my family and I have attended every LDS ward function you can possibly imagine. In fact, I'm surprised I don't have a freakin' calling. I'm down with my Mormon peeps, I know all the lingo, I know about the garments, I totally understand why Green Tea yes, Macchiato no. They've been trying to crack our nut for years but we haven't budged (too much religious guilt, I think). Years ago the Bishop in our ward (see how good I am) sent some lovely female missionaries to our home in Mesa to discuss the LDS church with us. They talked about faith and family and then brought up eternal life, that's when they lost him (Marty). He (Marty) wanted to know what the Mormon church was going to do for him on earth "right now" (proceeding to slap the back of his hand inside the other as if David Mamet himself wrote the line) and "what could you offer us if we became a member today?". I will never know if he was looking for a guarantee get into heaven free card or perhaps a free stay at a time share in Utah. All I know is they looked like a couple of deer caught in headlights and said "Well, we have to go now, but if you have any service projects like pulling weeds, give us a call, Bye!". I swear they left skidmarks. Needless to say no missionaries ever came back to our house in Mesa.

I see them all the time on their bicycles in heat and I feel so sorry for them having to ride around all day just to talk to jerks like us. That is truly God's work. I guess they HAVE to find joy in the journey. Whatever that means, my journey lately has had very little joy. My poor dad has been very sick with cancer and it is putting a real damper on all things happy right now. Also financial problems are always fun.(JK) Oh and let's not forget the 40 or so pounds I have managed to find. I have had a distinct feeling lately that something is missing in my life. I have tried to replace it with many things, shoes, coffee, potato chips, wine, xanax etc. (notice I didn't say exercise), but none of it is working anymore. Today my girls wanted to play with Lisa's girls so she drove them to my house and stayed to chat for a while. As we were sitting there discussing her talk in church and what a reverent Mormon she was on Sunday (You see she resisted the urge to go see her lifetime crush, RICK SPRINGFIELD, who was playing in Chandler only 5 short miles from her house and if you know Lisa you know what a big deal that is), when my doorbell rang. I opened the door and I said "Lisa come here, did you have anything to do with this?" Standing in my doorway were two very weary looking LDS Missionaries, so we had to ask them come in so we could give them each a bottle of water and explain why we were laughing. Well, it turns out they were actually in Lisa's ward yesterday and they heard her talk, she explained to them that we were the family in the story and they couldn't believe it. They were just randomly walking the neighborhood and came upon our house. They said "we noticed you're not members", and I said "not yet they're still working on me, 9 years later". The nice boys left their number and I promised to call. Our family is definitely a "work in progress" right now, maybe someday we will find some joy in our journey though.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

10 Things I Cannot Ask Yahoo Answers

1. Does my pinky toe look broken to you?

2. How bad do I need a pedicure?

3. If I go to urgent care, what can they do for a broken toe anyway that doesn't involve tape?

4. Shouldn't I just take the $50 and buy a cute new pair of fall shoes to wear when my toe feels better?

5. How does a 40 year old woman with no athletic inclinations whatsoever break two (2) toes on the same foot in 6 weeks. (true story)

6. Why do they call it a black and blue when it is clearly purple and yellow?

7. Do you know how hard it is to take a picture of your own foot with an auto focus camera?

8. Why is it suddenly so inexplicably cold in Arizona? (I have the answer to this one. Liz broke her toe and needs to wear flip flops instead of real socks and shoes and will no doubt run into Stacey and Clinton from "What Not To Wear"in Safeway.)

9. Why don't children close a closet door before they leave a darkened room?

10.Why doesn't anyone link me on their blog? (I know,I know, totally irrelevant but ponderous nonetheless...maybe I'm trying too hard?)

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Happy Birthday Uncle Joey

Happy 38th Birthday Bro!

Coolest birthday present ever...a future first round draft pick!hope you have a happy, love liz

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Happy Birthday Dominic

Happy Actual Birth Day
Dominic Joseph Nicita

He's really teeny (6lbs. 19in) but he's cute, he has reddish blond curly hair and we can't tell yet who he looks like. He was born September 25, 2008 at 7:45am and Mom (Lisa), Dad (Joe) and baby are all doing fine. Big Sister Josie can't wait to see him. Oh, by the way my brother is Joe Nicita and he (Dominic) is my one and only brand-new nephew. My parents finally have a Grandson after 12 years of Granddaughters! I just hope he likes sports, come to think of it, I don't think he has a choice in the matter...Welcome to the Nicita Family, little man, where we put the "fun" in dysfunctional!!

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Happy Birthday Mom

Happy Birthday Cathy, time sure flies when you're having fun, and flies even faster when you're not!

This is my Mom, she is the very definition of a homemaker. She is part Martha Stewart, part Livia Soprano, all Marie Barone (TV references). She loves to cook large family dinners and bake awesome birthday cakes, she also loves to complain about doing it so the proper amount of guilt is acheived through "love".
There she is in all her glory...if you only knew her insane aversion to boogers you would find this picture hilarious!

My wedding day, her mantra was WWMD (what would Martha (Stewart) do?). Can you say Momzilla? And how much do you love our ginormous hair?

This picture cracks me up. She seriously thought she was Jacqueline Kennedy, and by the way this is the one and only time in my life I have been in public in a bikini.

Shopping in Venice...possibly our most memorable day together. Before Grandchildren of course!

sighing...get it? (the bridge of sighs)


The girls in little Italy NYC on our way to Chinatown to buy fake bags!
I wish we could all go to Paesano's tonight for a Birthday dinner!!

Sept 2008

Grandma and her girls, pretty soon she'll have another little gift, a grandson (and thus an heir is born).

Hope you have a Happy Birthday Mom, I'll always remember those three little words you taught me growing up FOOD IS LOVE. So let's do lunch soon, love liz

Monday, September 22, 2008

Rachel Rose's 9th Birthday

My little Rachel. I cannot believe she is 9 today. Maybe because she only weighs 40 lbs. or possibly because she still can't ride a two wheel bicycle (don't tell anyone), but it seems as if she was just born yesterday and 3 weeks later we moved here to Arizona. She is such an Arizona girl, she gets cold when it gets below 75 degrees and she never ever has on shoes. She wouldn't last 5 minutes in New York, she needs her sunshine. She is super high maintanence, but we love her anyway and I just wanted to say I love you very much and I'm sooooo glad you had a Happy Birthday.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

i need a blog lesson much for the large font

"e" the only letter not on sale

I have decided to start posting in large font, partly because I am older and can't see anymore and partly because it looks better... I really don't have anything to say other than today my day mostly consisted of a series of futile efforts, all of them useless, some of them amusing. I went for an ultrasound to confirm or deny the presence of ovarian cysts (fun huh) and to have a CA-125 blood test due to family history. Then I proceeded to Target to purchase birthday party invitations for Rachel (her 3rd consecutive Hannah Montana party) for a date we still can't agree on. While I was in Target I spied some positively cute note cards with an initial on them. Should the good lord strike me dead if I am lying, but as I live and breathe every other letter of the alphabet "note card" was marked down from $3.99 to $1.50 except "E". I thought "this must be an oversight, or posssibly, a joke. I took the notecards with the rest of my purchases to the check out counter and explained my tale of woe. The unsympathetic sales clerk reiterated the sales price as $3.99 and was not into my story at all...needless to say I did not not buy the perfectly cute note cards, as I could not bring myself to buy into the discrimination they implied. A day in the life of Liz!! Don't you wish you were me...

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Seriously? Progress Reports?

This Friday my girls brought home of all things, progress reports!! Didn't school just start like the day before yesterday? Where is my life going? I am very happy to say that both of them did beautifully (much to my surprise)! We're talking A's and B's...WOW...Awesome Abbie and Rachie, keep it up, you're doing great! I guess this is a good a time as any to post our "First Day of School" pictures considering the semester is already half over. I can't believe how fast this year is going by. They've already taken school pictures, and have had to replace a backpack (too much 6th grade homework).
We are now officially in "birthday season" in our family. It started this weekend with my niece Josie's 2nd birthday party (Barney retro of her) which included a bounce house and a sno-cone machine, FUN!! Rachel's is next on the 22nd of this month and we are in the planning stages of the Birthday Extravaganza, I hope the guest list isn't too long. I'll let you know soon since the invites have to go out within the next week.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Dry Cut With A Flat Iron

I know it's been a while since I've "blogged" so here it goes. First of all I HATE HATE HATE that POS DVR from Direct TV, but no big surprise there. Let's just say that this thing is one more missed Project Runway away from a hammer, and I'll leave it at that. Anyway back to my title. For all of you who know me you know I am follicularly challenged. My hair is way high maintenance and I have been threatening a bob for forever. Well last Tuesday after a particularly long blow dry in a somewhat frizzy bathroom I made a fateful phone call. I dialed a cute girl named Amber at a place called Guys and Gals Salon in Mesa (I've been there before) and asked when her next available appointment was. To my dismay she said at 11:00 that morning, therefore no time to chicken out. I took a leap of faith and made the appointment. She also had another one available for my mom so I took her with me for moral support. Now every time in the past I have gone to my regular girl Rachelle because she knows me and she knows I love bob haircuts but I don't really want one and has been able to talk me into "just a trim" quite a few times. After I got off the phone with Amber I called my friend Lisa to try and talk me down off the bob ledge, but I got her voicemail and I left a semi-hysterical message that I'm sure amused her. Armed with my 2 year old pictures of Renee Russo and Nicole Ritchie (long bob, side swept bangs) I made my way to the salon. Amber said "so are you ready?", I said "I guess so, can you cut it like this?", she said "sure no problem". She is a very skilled stylist and she proceeded to cut my hair DRY, WITH A FLAT IRON. The reason this is all caps is because I will never, ever, ever look the way I did after she cut my hair and flat ironed it. I should have taken a picture of it but I didn't. Seriously, it looked just like Nicole Ritchie's...Cut to Thursday...I am now trying to do my hair myself without the benefit of a $200 Chi Flat Iron or being able to see the back of my head...Result...MUSHROOM. Please ladies, learn from my experience no haircut can de-frizz a frizzy head, a flat iron might though. And now I have Anchorwoman hair, yet still no job...