Procrast... (Oh, I'll Finish It Later)

I keep reading new Blog entries from all of my favorite bloggers and I am wondering where do they come up with the motivation to do it? My last post, according to MMB was FIVE weeks ago. It was a doozy, but it was still five weeks ago.Since that time, we have had Christmas (which feels like it was 6 years ago), New Year's (pretty lame, I might add), and my birthday (OK-ish). And now, we're done. That's it.

Every year for as long as I can remember on or around the 3rd of January (the day after my birthday) I fall into my annual "Absolutely Nothing To Look Forward To Funk". Sometimes it lasts 'til Easter, most years I goes well past Memorial Day, especially if I've gained another 10 pounds. It is without fail. I can't get past it. It literally paralyzes me, and I end up doing nothing - AT ALL. I go into TV hibernation until some sort of family or work obligation forces me to get up and flat iron my hair and actually put on a pair shoes. When I lived in New York , I used to blame this on SADD, you know the type of depression that happens because it's cold and dark and grey all the time. Well living in Arizona shoots the sh** out of that theory! It's been nothing but gorgeous and sunny and like 65-75 degrees every day (sorry, rest of the country). So, I was wrong. It's ME. Stupid, gloomy, unmotivated, me. Every year without exception my New Year's resolution has been to "Finally Lose The Weight". I guess if figure if I stay in my funk indefinitely then I have some sort of excuse for not doing it. I do kind of feel like, why even try though. Why diet, I'll just gain it all back? Why exercise, I'll just stop when I get bored? Why stop drinking wine, I heard it's good for you anyway? Why take down my Christmas Tree, I'll only have to put it up again in December...wait...what?

It just seems like an insurmountable task. Fifty pounds. That's more than my daughter weighs (she's teeny though), soaking wet. And the worst part about it is, I was THERE, I DID IT, I lost the stupid weight. I had done it and I let it slip away. Granted it slipped away 5-10 lbs at a time over the last 3 years, but away it slipped, none the less. And now i stand in my packed closet with clothes in virtually every size, in my Old Navy XXL sweatsuit (my fat uniform), listening to the 6's 8's and 10's mock me. "You can't wear me anymore," they say "try the shoes, they're pretty loyal".

Oprah did a show the first week of the year to announce that she is officially "FAT" again. She said she was mad at herself and embarrassed and "How did I get here again?" and "I can't believe I'm still talking about my weight!". Holla Girlfriend!!! I am forty freakin' one years old and I have lost and gained the same 50 lbs more times than I care to admit on a Blog. I never have any idea what size I will be next year, or next week for that matter. It's shameful, not to mention expensive (multiple wardrobes, diet stuff) and exhausting. But it wouldn't be January without another diet. So here I go again, diet # 4793 is in the planning stages. I guess it couldn't kill me to take a jog around the neighborhood. Oh, I'll do it tomorrow, I promise. Besides, I really have to take down my Christmas Tree already. Did you know that tomorrow is already the 20th of January? Boy, time flies when you're PROCRASTINATING!