Monday, October 20, 2008

If My life Were A SitCom

If my life were a sit com it would've jumped the shark a long time ago. Predictable plot lines, annoying recurrent characters, and generally, stuff that just doesn't happen in real life. All of these things usually occur in the last season or two of what was once a great show. We used to be a great show now we're just OK. As with any sit com worth it's salt every episode has an A story and a B story running concurrently. Today was one of those days, so here it goes.

Story A. Liz and Marty's 17th (yes that's right kids 17th) Wedding Anniversary. Some of you may wonder given our current state of war, why would I want to commemorate such an occasion? Well if I do say so myself, our wedding was GREAT, the marriage not so much...(JK) It was the kind of wedding you dream of, the kind where everyone and their brother comes and they all have a great time and talk about afterwards- for years. For a while there we were the wedding to beat, the bar, the standard by which the next few would be measured until someone topped it. And someone always did, in the Tri State Area anyway. It should have been great we paid enough for it. Sorry I mean MY PARENTS paid enough for it (happy Mom?). We paid for the band($5000), which is what made it so much fun, the photographer($3000), and the Rolls Royce ($750), which a total of 10 people saw us in including my wedding party and the photographer because I was 45 minutes late (surprised?) to the ceremony. I loved my wedding day, it was the most fun I've ever had in painfully restrictive underwear and a tiara. I'm sure my second wedding won't even come close.(JK) Besides almost everyone who attended is either dead or divorced. On that day when we were young and (foolish, and) in love we promised for better or worse, for richer or poorer, to love and to cherish till death due us part. Seventeen long years later I'm still waiting on better, richer, and cherish...oh, and death. (JK)

the theme is go big or go home Danny Tanner eat your heart out

So this being an awfully high number of years to be married I figured I'd better check the Hallmark gift guide for anniversary gifts by year. This is what it said

Anniversary Gift Guide
Crystal & Glass
Linen (silk)
Electrical Appliances
Wool (copper)
Desk Sets
Linens & Lace
Pottery (china)
Tin (aluminum)
Diamond Jewelry
Fashion Jewelry, Accessories
Pearls, Colored Gems
Textiles & Furs
Gold Jewelry
Sterling Silver Jubilee

As you can see there is a gap between 15 and 20. The years when so many marriages often bite the dust. My husband being the innovator that he is has come up with the only logical conclusion for year 17.

Flowers from Albertsons (rubber band included)

Ya gotta love him, Cheap yet still gets credit for being "thoughtful"...not fair.

by the way I know I've already lost half of you...sorry for the long post, but isn't it sooo worth it?

Story B. My friend Lisa is Mormon, in fact 98% of my friends in Arizona are Mormons, I however am not. I was brought up Italian (old school) Catholic in suburban New York and I married a "nice Jewish boy" from Brooklyn and we settled in, of course, Gilbert, Arizona with steeples as far as the eye can see. People sometimes ask us if we're in the Witness Protection Program because we stick out like a sore thumb. See what I mean sit com, right? Anyway, Lisa had to give a talk in church yesterday about "finding joy in the journey" and she kind of used me and Marty as examples. Over the years my family and I have attended every LDS ward function you can possibly imagine. In fact, I'm surprised I don't have a freakin' calling. I'm down with my Mormon peeps, I know all the lingo, I know about the garments, I totally understand why Green Tea yes, Macchiato no. They've been trying to crack our nut for years but we haven't budged (too much religious guilt, I think). Years ago the Bishop in our ward (see how good I am) sent some lovely female missionaries to our home in Mesa to discuss the LDS church with us. They talked about faith and family and then brought up eternal life, that's when they lost him (Marty). He (Marty) wanted to know what the Mormon church was going to do for him on earth "right now" (proceeding to slap the back of his hand inside the other as if David Mamet himself wrote the line) and "what could you offer us if we became a member today?". I will never know if he was looking for a guarantee get into heaven free card or perhaps a free stay at a time share in Utah. All I know is they looked like a couple of deer caught in headlights and said "Well, we have to go now, but if you have any service projects like pulling weeds, give us a call, Bye!". I swear they left skidmarks. Needless to say no missionaries ever came back to our house in Mesa.

I see them all the time on their bicycles in heat and I feel so sorry for them having to ride around all day just to talk to jerks like us. That is truly God's work. I guess they HAVE to find joy in the journey. Whatever that means, my journey lately has had very little joy. My poor dad has been very sick with cancer and it is putting a real damper on all things happy right now. Also financial problems are always fun.(JK) Oh and let's not forget the 40 or so pounds I have managed to find. I have had a distinct feeling lately that something is missing in my life. I have tried to replace it with many things, shoes, coffee, potato chips, wine, xanax etc. (notice I didn't say exercise), but none of it is working anymore. Today my girls wanted to play with Lisa's girls so she drove them to my house and stayed to chat for a while. As we were sitting there discussing her talk in church and what a reverent Mormon she was on Sunday (You see she resisted the urge to go see her lifetime crush, RICK SPRINGFIELD, who was playing in Chandler only 5 short miles from her house and if you know Lisa you know what a big deal that is), when my doorbell rang. I opened the door and I said "Lisa come here, did you have anything to do with this?" Standing in my doorway were two very weary looking LDS Missionaries, so we had to ask them come in so we could give them each a bottle of water and explain why we were laughing. Well, it turns out they were actually in Lisa's ward yesterday and they heard her talk, she explained to them that we were the family in the story and they couldn't believe it. They were just randomly walking the neighborhood and came upon our house. They said "we noticed you're not members", and I said "not yet they're still working on me, 9 years later". The nice boys left their number and I promised to call. Our family is definitely a "work in progress" right now, maybe someday we will find some joy in our journey though.


Morgan Family said...

YOU ARE AMAZING!!!! You should write for your own column. I want to join the Liz Samuels fan club! Love one of your favorite mormon friends.

Motherboard said...

Funny story!

I need you to add a link to the Mormon Mommy Blog and then we will gladly add you! Welcome to the party!


Rachel said...

liz, i love your wedding pictures - so great! we got married in '95 and i thought my sleeves were poofy - after seeing yours, they don't even come close!

this was so funny to read... :)

Heather of the EO said...

We are such nice Mormon friendly girls. :)